my life

At the moment my life consists of many billions of tomatoes and my inability to process The Federalist Papers. I have about fifty essays by Hamilton, Jay, and Madison to read and I picked many thousands of tomatoes this morning because apparently if it rains too much they split open. Stupid plant.

mine eyes have seen the glory...

In a possibly recent article by Peter Kreeft that appeared in Crisis he was enumerating the dangers and evils present in the world crisis and national culture war. After explaining that much of the damage comes from America through Hollywood's influence, he said: "Do you know what the Muslims call us? They call us "The Great Satan". And do you know what I call them? I call them right." Well, Mr. Kreeft, the correct answer would have been more along them lines of "hypocrits" or "morally dubious", but now you force me to call you a liar or a lunatic. America's "The Great Satan" in the present crisis, is she? If you truly believe that kind of diabolically inspired muck, here's some free advice. (The only kind I'm at present authorized to give.) Open your eyes. Look to the north, to the south, the east, the west. Tell me then you don't see evil blooming in the fertile ground of, well, everywhere. In Canada, a priest can be arrested and thrown into jail for preaching the Church's teaching on homosexuality from the pulpit. In Mexico the rich beome fewer and richer and the poor become legion and more desperate than ever, as their government further decays in its rotting nest of corruption. In Europe the only places as empty as the churches are the nurseries, and the only places as full as the bars and brothels are the mosques. In the Middle East terrorism is openly endorsed and encouraged, women are bundled away and killed if they cry out against their husbands for beating them. Little girls are forced into marriage with lecherous old men, men who know only how to destroy plot to kill every last Jew on the face of the earth, and you, poor fool, call America the Great Satan? America is the only country left who is even making an attempt to combat these hooded cowards who make it their practice to kidnap innocent civilians and brutally behead them. Just like America was the only country to make any serious effort to make the Soviet Union a frightening chapter of history. Great Satan? Have you ever read a history of the Soviet Union? Do you recall the mention of mass murder, mass starvation, and mass terror that was daily life there? Have you had the time to glance at North Korea, Cuba, or China and see that the same awful truth holds sway there? They are starving in North Korea, afraid to speak even to friends in Cuba, and if you try to google Tiananmen Square in China, the police will trace your computer and arrest you. America is more influential, sure. She suffers from a terrible rash of moral evils. As a force for good, America is rather like a half blind, half retarded child: blundering into walls, crushing things and sometimes people underfoot, clumsy--but strong. The fact remains, as diseased as our culture is, and as ineffectual as we sometimes are, we are still the most potent force for good of all the nations in the world. The American people are a good people, and even in our bureacratic, bumbling government there are trualy good people. Scoff if you will, fool, but George Bush is a good man. Evil will be always with us, but in my country, I can so something about it. The ban on partial birth abortion should have made that much clear. So instead of taking cues from murdering knaves and making use of puerile thought processes, how about we pay attention to what's in front of our eyes?

Radio Plays

Hey, I'm Nightwing! That's pretty cool. Recently I found a website that produces radio plays. They have two ongoing series: Black Jack Justice, and the Red Panda Adventures. I put them on my mp3 player to listen to while spraying TAC grounds with herbicide. I find them amusing. They're all free to download, so if you're interested, go to Decoder Ring Theatre.

little green dots

The green dots on the back of the quarterback's helmets is too weird. And I have my doubts as regards whether Brian Urlacher is actually human. New England 38, Buffalo 7. But did we expect anything different? I took the DC superhero quiz and found out that I'm the Green Lantern. Thoughts, anyone? I don't even know who that is...

I said "Play on!" you rotten LUNATIC!!!!!

I hate coaches. I really do. What, did you think you're team signed up to play croquet? Did you think that if they trip and fall over themselves I'm supposed call a foul on the opposite team? Or maybe you would like me to card the grass, since it really shouldn't be getting in the way. Or maybe I should should call the player for being stupid and tripping over his own shoe laces. I don't know, what do you think? WHY do you think I have the whistle, you blithering idiot? Because I took the course and studied the rules and was given a badge! Deal with it! Maybe I'll give you a FIFA rule book so you can there actually is no rule against playing physically. There is no personal space in soccer, you pansy! I have the power to card you and drag your sorry self off the field, so don't push it. Because after today, I'm not taking anything anymore. You want to yell at me, I'll yell at you. You don't get to tell me what to do, I get to tell YOU what to do. For all of those who don't watch soccer, look. Players are allowed to lean into another player, they are allowed to slide tackle, and if the goalie comes out to dive on the ball it's not the forward's fault if the goalie gets tapped on the face. IT'S SOCCER, for PETE's SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!! Go join the English Tea Club if you can't take it. Leave, in any case.

Reverse-Temporal Messaging

So me and my roommate Tim perpetrated the most awesome prank ever a few days ago. Roisin Bulger checked her email on Tim's computer and forgot to sign out. So Tim began sending messages to Roisin. From herself. From the future. Roisin is the most gullible person I have ever met or heard of, and she fell for it completely, especially after reading the Wikipedia article on how this is a rather common occurrence. I'd written the article, entitled "reverse-temporal messaging" explaining how 50 or so years from now, Dr. Bulger will invent this process using Tachyon particles, and begin sending messages to her past self. It was my finest hour. The best part was her freaking out so much that she had to sit down, exclaiming, "This is SO freaked out. How did I do this? Dr. Bulger!? I'm not even very good at math!" Stephen and our compatriots played along beautifully too, impressed by her hidden (future) talents in theoretical physics. I'm a very bad man. And no, the Wikipedia article was taken down. :(

do a little dance!

So this afternoon I arrive home from a soccer game (where we left the opposing team exhausted and gloriously defeated) and what do I see waiting for me on the chair in the living room? A manila envelope. Addressed to me. First Class priority. Return Address: very simple. The White House. YEEEEEAhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Me and George Bush. We be pen pals. Well, not exactly, but I wrote him a while back and told him that I was praying for him and that I respected his integrity and apparent disregard for political expediency when opposed to his beliefs and values and that I respected him all the more in light of the media's wanton puerile behavior toward him. Etc, etc. So he wrote back, said thank you, asked me to keep praying, said some other cool stuff about prayer and sent a picture of himself and Mrs. Bush in which he is beaming cheekily and she is looking slightly manic. Probably the six hundredth picture taken by an irritating photographer. But isn't that so cool? I feel like I should frame everything, envelope, letter and picture. I'm almost famous!